30.9.08
... LONG TIME NO SEE - STOP - NO TIME EXPLAIN - STOP - WEBSITE CHANGING - STOP - SHIT TAKEN DOWN - STOP - NEXT RELEASE PUT BACK - STOP - LAPTOPS STOLEN - STOP - MUSIC GONE - STOP - MORE TO FOLLOW - STOP - FUCK OFF - STOP

6.1.08
... It seems - doesn't it? - that I've let both Christmas and new year go without a word to you, the person who occasionally and silently browses this website. And for that I'm truly sorry. You deserve better than the cold and distant travesty of love that you get from me. But if you're still willing to stick around like a fool with no self-respect, then first let me wish you a belated merry Christmas and happy new year, and secondly allow me to outline the plan for '08. First off, that second Ultrafoetus EP is coming along nicely. I'd give you an ETA, but we both know I wouldn't stick to it. Let's just say it'll be out sometime before 2009. The next big news is, Schoolboy Eric is dead. That's right. Dead. He had a rap attack or something. So suck up those downloads while you still can, because at some point in the near future, assuming I can be arsed, I'll be taking down his tracks at the request of his grieving family. But never fear, because stepping into his size 11 low-tops will be some other cunt, and you can expect an EP from him this year. You heard it here first. And probably last. Now go back to your grimy little hovel and wait until I decide to toss you another bone. And there'll be no sex tonight because the very thought of it sends waves of acrid bile lurching listlessly up my throat.

20.10.07
... Whoever comes here searching for 'schoolboy fuck' (and either there's a lot of you, or you're one person repeatedly making the same stupid mistake), please understand that Them Brainz does not contain what you are looking for. I don't know why you think it does.

8.9.07
... Christ, has it really been seven months? Some of the more observant among you may have noticed a tiny update last week in the form of a new blog entry. And I've followed it up with a new one, a mere week later. Just like the real thing. I'm sorry for neglecting you so badly, my friends. I've been moving house and working hard (well, working... well...) on a couple of recording projects. Also, work has started on the very second Ultrafoetus EP. So I may not have been making a big fucking song and dance about it, but I have been doing something with my time, alright? So fuck you. I would say I'll try not leave it so long until the next update, but then I do that every time and then leave it longer than ever. Let's just accept it and move on, shall we?

1.2.07
... Long shot, I know, but if any of you should happen to find yourselves passing through Manchester city centre in the near future, have a swing into Fopp, off Market Street, and buy a copy of that EP I did, of which I would really like to sell some copies. If you insist on hearing it first, you can do so at Last.fm (you can even download Dirty Gurgles there for free). Alternatively, if you'd like to buy a copy direct from me, email me , and we'll work out some sort of arrangement whereby you pay me £4.50, and I send you a copy of said record through the post. Genius. Or, if you feel like paying over the odds, head over to Resonancestore.com and buy one from them for the princely sum of 6 quids.

15.1.07
... Happy new year, y'all! And merry Christmas. You will, of course, forgive me for not checking in for well over two months. For the last few weeks my internet connection has been down (if you're looking for an ISP right now, and considering Talktalk - for the love of God, don't). Before that, I was busy. Doing what? I might hear you ask, were you actually here in the room with me. And to that I would say, "how dare you ask me to justify myself to you! You TWAT". And then I would say, "actually, not that I owe you any kind of explanation, but I've been busy doing this." Then you might say, "what is that? I can't be fucked clicking the link." I would then go on to tell you about the latest release from Valentine Records, whose support for Ultrafoetus over the last couple of years has been greatly appreciated, and who have decided to shut up shop and go wandering after 5 years in this nasty bidness of show. I would try to explain why they elected to put out a track-by-track cover of Sonic Youth's magnificent 1992 album Dirty - featuring a whole host of artists who have , in one guise or other, appeared on the Valentine roster over the years - and why I turned in a version of the track Nic Fit that bears very little resemblance to the original. Then we would gaze forlornly into the distance and, without speaking, turn and go our separate ways. Perhaps you might gently sob yourself to sleep later, and not know why.

03.11.06
... Thanks to Paul of Paul's Ramblings for linking to a whole bunch of my tracks recently. Also to Jason Cooke for playing a few Ultrafoetus numbers on his All FM show, The Breakfast Express. Geezers both.

30.10.06
... It's back! After, bleh... some weeks away, the website that no-one missed is back up online, and exactly the same as ever. To celebrate, I've stuck up a brand new tune on Mememespace. It's called It Vibrates! and it's free to download. Bo.

8.9.06
... Them Brainz will be probably be down for a couple of days next week. This is because the subscription on my webspace runs out on Monday and I can't afford to renew it. I'm trying to find a temporary solution in the meantime, so with a bit of luck, we should be rolling again (probably minus music) before too long. Either way, you can still visit me at Emospace. Boing.

4.8.06
... Thanks to the miracle of web stats, I can see what search strings have led people here, to Them Brainz. Some of these queries are so bizarre, I've often felt the need to share them with you all, but have never been bored enough to actually do it. Now I am. Here is a compilation of my favourites (if 'favourite' is the word) from the last year: growling potato; james michener printing error; f~ you're ugly and you suck at life. literally; survivalist wank fantasy; cynical bastards myspace; text messagingshort handlove; cocksuckers; cunts; mortuary scoop; qualifications for being a mother fuckin hustler; dog poo; chuck berry degeneracy; good porn; wrestler music; fuck-off poetry; pharrell sleazy; bumfuck england; do you wank; jism face. Also, I have been disturbed to see searches on both "kids cunts" and "schoolboy fuck" bring people to my website. I imagine that they were disappointed. Some of you are deeply troubled individuals. Perhaps I shall alert the authorities.

19.7.06
... I done added a brand new section to this piece of crap website: my very own blog. I figured they've been around long enough now for them to be unfashionable, at which point I traditionally deem it safe to jump on any given bandwagon without wanting to slit my wrists immediately afterwards. Yes! Them Brainz: your brand new source of ill-conceived 'opinions' and paranoid late-night wordwank.

3.7.06
... Notice anything different? No? Then you're a bit of a fuckhead, aren't you?

23.6.06
... There's another Ultrafoetus track caught in the wires of cyberweb, this time featuring Schoolboy Eric. Included on Hippocamp's latest compilation is Man In A Paper Bag. Get it here.

14.5.06
... Another two gigs lined up for this month. On Wednesday, May 17 I'll be playing Hippocamp's night at the Green Room, Manchester, alongside Pillhead68 and Tolchok, while on Saturday, May 27, the venue will be Victoria Park's Rampant Lion, the night will be Wasp Nest, and the menu will be Ultrafoetus & The Jon Goulding Band, sandwiched between some generous slices of wholesome Wasp Nest DJ action.

13.4.06
... EP1 was officially released on Monday, but due to a cock-up at the online distributors' hasn't actually been available to buy till today. So if you'd like a copy, get yourself to the Valentine Records shop. You can hear brief previews of each track by clicking on the titles.

24.3.06
... That Kams remix compilation (21 mixes of his Bass Munter track, to which I contributed as Ultrafoetus) is out today on Hippocamp. You can download them from there and Archive.org.
... And EP1? April 10, mate. April fucking 10.

16.3.06
... Go to the Music page. What do you see? That's right: a new tune, namely a remix of Soft Touch by Kid Twist. I hope he doesn't mind.

15.3.06
... Here's a live date for you - Tuesday, 18th April at The Fringe Bar, Brighton, alongside the fabulous Bela Emerson and Britch. I've always wanted to go to Brighton. Woohoo!

7.3.06
... Hello! I been interviewed by EQ Magazine. I'm told the interview will be up at their website soon, but in the meantime you can subscribe to the CD-Rom version... for free, homes! No excuses.

17.2.06
... You haven't heard from me in a while. Sorry about that. Anyway, to make up, and also as a belated Valentine's Day treat, have a stupid, pointless remix of Will Smith's Wild Wild West. You can hear and - if, for some strange, terrible reason, you like it - download the motherfucker at http://www.myspace.com/ultrafoetus.
... The EP is coming! Honest! It's being pressed as I write! Well... probably not as I write, because it's 6:35 in the morning. But you get my drift. In other news, to promote said record, expect word sometime soon of a nationwide live dates flava.
... Hopefully.

30.12.05
... I hope you all had a good Christmas. I certainly did. And in the spirit of the season, I've decided you can all have a free listen to the leading track from that fabled EP, Extra Words For Matt. Click here.
... And this should be the last time I check in here this year, so all that remains is for me to wish you a fine and prosperous new year. Woohoo!

15.12.05
... Well, I haven't got any Christmas shopping done yet, but I do have a couple more gigs lined up for the new year. A Consortium of Sorts have kindly invited Ultrafoetus & The Jon Goulding band to play two of their forthcoming Laptronica Over Lancashire nights. On Friday, 27th January 2006 we'll be playing The Beerhouse in Manchester; and on the following night (Saturday the 28th to save you the hassle of working it out), you can catch us at Preston's The Mill. More details here.
... Recently I got the chance to remix the cracking Bass Munter by Kams, and hopefully it'll be getting released along with a bunch of other remixes on the Hippocamp label. I'll let you know as soon as there's anything worth knowing.
... And the EP's coming. Really, it is. Sit tight.

8.11.05
... More live wibble: Ultrafoetus & The Jon Goulding Band will be playing this Friday, 11th November at Manchester's Night & Day Café, alongside Moth Hifi, Errorplanes, Miss Pain and my Valentine labelmates and shiny good kids Shmoo. Doors open at 8pm and entry - so I'm told - will be 5 quid.

3.11.05
... Well, the redesign's taking longer than expected (isn't it, Jon? hmmm?), so I figured I might as well throw up a brand new track to whet yer appetites. Last One Left is a slab of straight-up techno, not really my usual MO, so it's yours for free! You'll find it - guess where? you'll never guess! give up? - at the Music page.
... Ah, fuck it! Have another one on me. I've also just uploaded a remix of Dirty Gurgles, a track from my forthcoming EP. You'll find it in the same place.

10.10.05
... I've been yabbering about it for ages, and now there's finally proof that it exists. Previews of EP1 are now available for your perusal at the Valentine Records shop. Put them in your ears.

6.10.05
... Another live date to add to yer diaries: Ultrafoetus & The Jon Goulding Band (as the live outfit will henceforth be known) are on the bill for Most Significant Byte, a day-long charity event taking place on Saturday, 14th January 2006 at The Southern, which is on Mauldeth Road West in Chorlton, Manchester. Kick-off is at 2pm and entry is a measly £7, with all proceeds going to Medicins Sans Frontieres. For more information, check the flyer, or email msb @ hollowsphere.org.

29.9.05
... That 12" we were talking about... it's called - excitingly - EP 1, it has six tracks on it, and those tracks are: Extra Words For Matt; We Went To A Goddam Movie; Dirty Gurgles; We Went To The Goddam Sequel; When Were You I; and The Results. Oh, and it'll be out in the not-too-distant on Valentine Records.
... If you missed the last two Ultrafoetus gigs at Transmission and To Amy With Love, you can make it up to me, yourself and your God by coming down to a special Valentine shindig at Pleasure (situated in the heart of Manchester's glamourous Withington) on Friday, October 14th. Entry is FREE, suckers. Now you have no excuse. Details and full line-up here.

24.9.05
... Again, it's been a long time since I last updated this website. I'm sorry. Actually, no, I'm not. No-one's paying me for this. Another reason I'm not sorry is, I've been busy, spending the last three months recording... um... an 18-minute, 7-track EP. Yes, the very first Ultrafoetus EP is done. Details to follow.
... In other news, your least favourite website in the whole world is currently on the receiving end of a much-needed overhaul by my good friend and live collaborator Jon Goulding. Expect a fresh, new, aesthetically-pleasing thembuzz.co.uk to drop some time over the next few weeks. There might even be some new content! But don't get your hopes up, like.
... Oh, and I noticed I've been receiving quite a lot of hits from the Derren Brown forum. And I want to know why, dammit. If any of you happen to be reading this, do you reckon you could email me and explain? It's been doing my fucking head in. Thank you.

29.6.05
... I haven't checked in with any news for a while. This is because none of you care. And also because I have had no news. Until now. Ultrafoetus will be playing live once again at Manchester's Retrobar on Saturday, July 23rd, this time as part of the bill for a special one-off resurrection of Valentine Records' legendary To Amy With Love night. There'll also be another live performance from the fabulous Penguin Map Mijinko, while DJ duties are to be taken care of by no lesser figures than Cylob and Max Tundra. You heard. £6 a pop. Keep checking in at Valentine's website to find out how to guarantee entry as interest is HIGH, motherfuckers. You can see the flyer here.
... As for the very first Ultrafoetus album, that's going to be put on hold for a while, for reasons too boring to go into. But don't cry, because I'm hoping to get an EP out in the meantime. That shouldn't be too far off. I'll be keeping you posted.

12.5.05
... There are some pics of Ultrafoetus' recent Transmission Manchester show. I put them in the pictures section, because that's just the kind of crazy-ass thing I do. There'll also be a recording of the set available for download soon. And by 'soon' I mean, 'when I can be arsed', which could be fuckin' years off, mate. I wouldn't go holding my breath or anything.

9.4.05
... After a couple of weeks staying at home in my underwear, I am now fully recuperated and stepping out once more. Potential stalkers may be interested to learn that I can usually be found at Transmission Manchester during the week and at any one of Manchester's various techno, breaks or hip-hop niteries on Fridays and/or Saturdays. If you must stalk me, please be sure to bring some sort of present or sacrifice with you. Oh, and the album's coming along nicely.

16.3.05
... Ultrafoetus will be playing Transmission at the Retrobar in Manchester on Monday, May 9th.

14.3.05
... The very first Ultrafoetus album is really starting to PISS ME OFF. I've been eating fucking SHIT for TWO WEEKS. I'm SMOKING TOO MUCH. I keep forgetting to do THE WASHING UP. And to cap it all, my SOCIAL LIFE has SUDDENLY, INEXPLICABLY IMPROVED TENFOLD. Which is great, except I know I'd be far better off just staying at home in my underwear for a while. (This doesn't mean I want anyone to stop inviting me out, by the way. I'm just venting.)

1.3.05
... Work, you'll be 'pleased' to learn, has begun on the very first Ultrafoetus album. More news to follow as and when. Stay alert!

29.1.05
... The all-new Them Brainz is finally available to you, the browsing public. On the plus side, the design is slightly - slightly - less amateurish than it was yesterday. On the minus, this means no more cock. I'm sorry if you miss the cock. In fact, whilst we're on the subject of the cock, it came to my attention that at least a couple of people thought the cock was actually mine. Let me assure you that it was not my cock. I'm not that weird.
... Valentine Records have very kindly included one of my Ultrafoetus tracks, Croal Reruns, on the January installment of their monthly download series. This has been the only achievement of note so far in my entire worthless life. Check.