i. Have you ever seen the glistening, sinewy form of a naked man, greased up like a pig and wrapped around that of another? This is called wrestling. Occasionally, secretions may occur. If this happens, gently dab the affected area immediately with a wet cloth or ice cube and seek urgent medical advice. Do not tell your mum. REPEAT: DO NOT TELL YOUR MUM. You may choose to tell your dad, but this is only advisable in the case of unusual closeness. Now imagine, if you will, that you are sitting in a restaurant. As the waitress comes to take your order, her thigh - teasingly contained 'neath a thick black tight - brushes your arm, perhaps innocuously, perhaps not. Then, as she leans over the table to remove an unwanted item or other unpleasantness from the soft, pure white linen, her blouse falls open slightly, revealing the golden flesh of her breast and its delicious cleft. Your penis may suddenly course with blood, heaving with great urgency against the fabric of your trouser; or it may choose to rise slowly, each cheeky twitch sending gentle waves of delight pulsing through your body; your balls will tighten. You will salivate slightly. This time next year, you will be divorced. This is called growing up. It may seem frightening at first, but it is nothing to be afraid of, for it is but a mere step further in your journey towards death.

ii. Tonight, I will dream of organs